Pokemon: Generation V

I have a long, long history with Pokemon. I think the first gaming system I ever had was a Game Boy Color, and I distinctly remember playing through the Blue, Red, Yellow, Gold, Silver, and even Crystal Versions on that wonderful piece of machinery. I was so blessed as to also have a Nintendo 64, equipped with Pokemon Stadium, Pokemon Stadium 2, and Pokemon Snap. If I was any more of a Pokefan, you could just slap a red hat on my head and call me "Ash Ketchum."

Then, one day, GAMEFREAK decided, "Let's make Pokemon Ruby and Sapphire Versions." And oh, indeed they did. I remember purchasing both copies with my own saved up money on a trip to the local Target--I also remember eating chicken fingers while I was there, but that's besides the point. Pokemon Ruby was the love of my life for the next few years. I quickly became a Pokemon Master with my Blazeikin, Groudon, Rayquaza, and various other monsters. It was not long before I had graced the Elite Four and Champion with my victorious smile over one hundred times, and had completed the Pokedex.

...Or had I?
A few years later, GAMEFREAK had a second idea: "Let's remake the original games, and also make Pokemon Colosseum." It should go without saying that I purchased both of these games and powered through them. However, when the wonders of the National Pokedex were revealed to me, I did not build my Pokemon up on my Firered Version--I did it all on my Ruby Version. I nearly had my National Pokedex completed, before finally I set the game down for Pokemon Diamond Version and whatever Kingdom Hearts game was just out--by the way, the former was the last game in the series I played.

And I have no intention of continuing. Granted, Generations I and II were both great, and III was amazing for me due to its presence in my childhood. IV was nice for a similar reason, but not as nice; seemed a bit overdone, and with lesser Pokemon designs. During one of my Internet-surfing escapades, I found my way onto a site containing the new Pokemon from Generation V, the upcoming games of Pokemon Black and Pokemon White. All I can say is this:

WHY.

I honestly hated every single new Pokemon I say, except for many, like, three. The starters are Godawful, the new legendaries are atrocious, and the rest seems like GAMEFREAK decided to just put shapes together and see what happened--let me answer your question, no, it didn't work. Several of them compelled me to go out and become an activist for the return of Generation I stylings as opposed to those... things. I refuse to call them Pokemon, because they don't even look like it. Also, the designers must be colorblind (see previous post), because Black Version has the white dragon and White Version has the black dragon. Fools.

Before I get into the horrible aspects of the new critters, let me explain some of the new gameplay. Remember Double Battles from Generation III? I liked those. Now there are Triple Battles, with a new element that actually prevents you from attacking certain Poke--I mean, enemies. Why? The reason is apparently because you are two inches too far away for your long distance Fire Blast, Explosion, Thunder, and Surf to work. Hmmmm, this logic is almost as great as VGCats's updating schedule!

On top of this are the Pokemon Musicals. I love musicals. I was just in one a few months ago, and it was awesome. However, Pokemon should not be in musicals. I can already hardly understand their metallic, awful cries, I certainly don't want my ears to be damaged and develop chronic bleeding from their vocal stylings. Thanks but not thanks, critters of Generation V.

They also are running out of ideas for even their generic characters. One of the Elite Four is actually one of the superbosses from Generation IV. The logic in this game just gets screwed over and over. Also, how is it that she went from a superboss to a member of the relatively puny Elite Four? I don't know, I really don't.

Now, decades ago, you might have plugged that wonderful Pokemon Red/Blue Version into your Game Boy Color like I did, and were eventually graced with these wonderful Pokemon, albeit in 8-bit form:

Not too shabby, eh? Designs are clear, the guys are freaking adorable/lovable, and the allusions to real world organisms are clear. These were probably my favorite starters in the whole series. On top of their already great... greatness, they turn into great final evolutions:

See, nice! You can still tell the evolutionary chain, the guys are looking like truly powerful monsters, and they are not way, way overdone--this happens a lot in the later generations. In FireRed/LeafGreen, they even get their own exclusive attacks, that's how awesome they are. Awesome evolutions of some awesome starters.


... I cannot say the same for the Generation V starters. May the gods of Pokeland be with them, and their hideousness.

 I know, I cried too. Let's just point them out one by one. First is Snivy--you used to be able to tell which one was which by the name ("Bulb" in Bulbasaur, for example), but I guess that idea just got thrown out the PokeWindow. Anyway, Snivy looks likes, honestly, a pedophile. That is the exact expression on his face. He has the expression of, "I'm a jerk, but you can still come get the candy in the back of my white van." Then there is Tepig, the horrible pig thing. First of all, it's a pig. Honestly, before we had cool animals, like giant lizard and beast-turtle. Now, to aid us in our conquering of the Pokemon world, we get... a baby pig. That's just lovely, I'll take a picture and send it to Grandma. Then there's Oshawott--okay, what kind of name is Oshawott? It sounds ethnic. Anyway, Oshawott has two expressions on its face, "I'm weak, so pity my and love me," and, "I'm a very sad and lonely Pokemon that nobody loves, boo-hoo." In addition, Oshawhatever is a total rehash of Piplup--who I wasn't a big fan of either.


NOTE: Penguins are freaking amazing in real life.

Their evolutions aren't any better--they're actually much worse, if that's even imaginable. Prepare the tissue box, hardcore fans who remember the good ol' days...

... oh my goodness, what are the people who design these.. these... these things thinking?? Jalorda, the green one (I dare not question its horrid name/type), looks like one of the floating elongated jellyfish on Kekaishii. Who wants to bet that it's going to have a cameo, anyone? I'll put down $10. The next one is... Enbuoh. Notice the words "uh-oh" at the end; the game designers are trying to warn you that this thing is no good and you should not play this game. I remember the days when the final evolutions looked like their beginning forms--then there was Generation V and the starters. This especially applies to abomination numero tres, Daikenki. I don't know why the word "kinky" is on the end of its name, this is anything but kinky. This looks like Sealeo raped Swapert back in Generation III, and then they had this horrible mutation of an offspring. It probably killed the Day Care Man and Lady in its first few days of life. I bet the parents tried to hide the hideous, grotesque thing, but I guess it escaped whatever top-priority prison it was being kept in. You poor fools you who choose Water-types.

NOTE: Fire-types for the win!

Now it is getting rather late, so I'll continue this in a later installment. But first, let me give you a glimpse of some of the fresh new "creativity" that the Japanese makers of the Pokemon franchise have cooked up for their new monsters in this generation. This is one of the worst things I have ever seen being classified as a living, breathing excuse for life:

 

"KILL ME."